Vayigash (2): When and When not to Cry

ויפל על צוארי בנימן אחיו ויבך ובנימן בכה על צואריו

And Yosef fell on the neck(s) of his brother Binyamin and cried, and Binyamin cried on Yosef's neck (too). 

The Passuk described how Yosef cried, but used a word that implies necks in the plural. This opposed to Binyamin who cried on the neck of Yosef, described in the normative singular. Why the discrepancy? Chazal explain that they were crying over the destruction that was to take place in the future in each of their respective territories in Eretz Yisrael. The city of Shilo, where the Mishkan ultimately rested and was eventually destroyed was in the Chelek of Yosef, while the two Batei Mikdash were both destroyed in the area connected to Binyamin's decendants. Yosef cried on "two necks" for the two destructions, while Binyamin cried on one for Yosef's singular loss.

One question that arises is why they cried for the other's loss and not their own. Binyamin cried for Yosef's loss and Yosef cried for Binyamin's, yet neither seemed concerned with their own.  Why is this?

The Tzadikim throughout all of the generations have given us many tools to work on our Emunah. They have proven in many ways that things are ultimately for the best and G-d doesn't give a test that cannot be overcome. We know this intellectually and we can remind ourselves of this all the time.

However, says the Lubavitcher Rebbe, there is one situation where these ideas are inappropriate: when someone else is the sufferer. That is not the time for philosophy, that is a time for empathy alone. I can deal with my own issues, but I cannot deal with yours. In the end, only you are responsible for coping and overcoming.

In a Shiva-house, telling a mourner things such as, "He's in a better place now" come across as simply insulting. The mourner obviously knows this. He's distressed anyway. Rather, we can cry. We can show an outpouring of love. And we can hope that our friend will find the inner strength to overcome.

This is why Yosef and Binyamin cried over each others loss, but not their own. In regards to the loss of the other, all we can do is show our concern and hope for the best. But when it comes to our own issues, tears relieve tension and emotion, but they don't solve problems.